found

lol found it this was the thing that I lost that went into drafts, well seems in my older years I spend much more time thinking than writing lol I know if I write it down its good but I find it’s hard to get here. I can't get Karen out of my mind we laid her to rest but she really isn't for me or her family Iam sure in tell we know what happened we will never know why because there is no ok reason for another to hurt someone like her and the worst case that someone who knew and loved her may have done this aaahhhh its horrible I know she is ok and in the BIG plan GODS got it but it’s still hard want to know want to understand sssooo sad .It brings back we all have diff parts of our life’s that mold us and help us to who we become the Tenney family was one of those for me for a while in my early married years Julie and I tried to stay close, letters and when she came to town she would come over but time and family got the better of us and now even though she has lived here for several years we haven't been close due to in some part her life revolves around the church and mine dose not I respect and take a lot from it but have to let some of it go due to my views and belief’s on gays etc.. Anyway if we aren’t blessed to have stayed close to our girl hood friends than a whole life time goes by and you have these broken connections I still feel close and love that family but realize just like mine a whole lifetime has gone by of children grandchildren spouses ext.,,,,, it’s sad but ok too, we still have our memories of our time together and we still can come together in these hard times of loss.

WOW I just wrote like five paragraphs and hit something and they disappeared aaaahhhh well it was all about Karen and how I can't get her out of my mind and how people from our past still are part of us even when we don't stay close it was a lot more but perhaps I was not meant to post it .I pray for God to give the family closer. Iam laying in bed right now writing and feeling my little one grandson next to me very blessed to have these wonderful sleep overs he Rylyn had me and Matt laughing so last night. I put up a saying on my wall that says"BE THE CHANGE you wish to see IN THE WORLD" a good one but a hard one, one of the things I hate that I would like to change is how people are all wrapped up in whatever they are going through life revolves around one’s own head now don't get me wrong in times of loss ext.. we come together and try to comport each other but in most part we see through the eyes of self I had to try to smile and show happiness (which I truly felt) for someone’s happy news that he was so happy for and try to let go of and forgive the time I shared the same news with him and he gave me a 20min. lecture on bragging and that snake handlers in the back woods were better Christians than those who would brag???? at the time I was sharing like him last night something that was special to me and that I thought he would be happy for me lol so the change in the world I want to see last night was bite my lip don't bring up the past (he won't remember it the same) and show true happiness for him, I smiled I said congrats I hope I was a change??anyway see even in the seeing of it it’s the same for me seeing it how it affects me hurts me ext.... so help me father to fight the natural man and find my inner spirit and be her even when the mortal man woman fights  that